The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Good Dad, Bad Dad

Posted on | July 19, 2010 | 18 Comments

Backbiters, haters of God, despiteful, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents . . .
— Romans 1:30 (KJV)

Exactly why I was referring to the first chapter of Romans on Twitter is perhaps irrelevant here. At any rate, I found myself lecturing on the principles of parenthood, which I understand as well as anyone, even if I don’t always apply them consistently.

Mrs. Other McCain is often complimented on the good behavior of our children, for which she certainly deserves nearly all the credit. But I sometimes do a little bit to help.

Nothing is more important to good parenting than love. Everyone understands that. But the second most important thing is a corollary of the first: Authority.

When Mom or Dad says “jump,” the only question a child should ask is, “How high?” Children are being disobedient and disrespectful if their automatic response to such a parental command is, “Why?”

“Because I said so” is a sufficient reply to the child’s obstreporous “why?” and, if the child persists in such an impudent attitude, the parent should not hesitate to apply sterner measures — for which “because Mom is tired of hearing your backtalk” is a sufficient explanation.

You are an adult — experienced, knowledgeable and responsible — and they are children — inexperienced, ignorant and dependent. Assuming that you are a wise and loving parent concerned for your child’s well-being, then there is no legitimate reason for the child to question your judgment. You have good and sufficient reason for saying, “No, you can’t go swimming” and, perhaps more importantly, you have the authority to say so. The child is therefore disputing both your judgment and your authority if he responds, “Why?”

The key to good discipline is that its severity or leniency should never become entirely predictable to the child. Kids are smart, and if they figure out that they can push you a certain distance without risk of a swift and severe response, they’ll push you that far every time. Pretty soon, you won’t be able to get them to brush their teeth or clean up their room without constant cajoling.

Good parenting is best accomplished as a team effort, one tactical advantage of which is that it permits employment of the “Good Cop, Bad Cop” routine: If the child does not cooperate with the Good Cop, then the child will find himself dealing with the Bad Cop.

In our household — as I suspect in most families — Dad usually gets assigned to the Bad Cop role. Mom explains that she isn’t getting acceptable results from a child, and Dad plays the role of enforcer. Thus the classic motherly final warning: “Don’t make me call you father in here!”

Remember: You never want to be entirely predictable in discipline, lest the kids figure out how far they can push you.

Well, after a brief Twitter lecture on this subject, I announced to the three youngest of our children that we were going to Sheetz to get slushies. Not only did we get slushies, but we also got hot dogs and hamburgers and french fries and, for dessert, Hershey bars with almonds.

After we got back home and everyone had gotten their bellies full, I then turned off the TV and convened the children for a meeting.

“We’re going to take a vote,” I said. “Who’s the best dad in the whole world?”

“You are,” the kids muttered.

“I can’t hear you.”

“You are!” they shouted.

“That’s more like it,” I said, before proceeding to tell them that they were to wash the dishes, sweep and mop the kitchen, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Seven-year-old Reagan interrupted with some goofy giggly response.

“Excuse me, young lady,” I said, looming over her in sudden fierceness. “Maybe it’s been too long since you had a spanking.”

Maybe, indeed. Her goofy grin clearly conveyed the impression that this threat wasn’t taken seriously. And her brothers were also giggling, so now I turned my attention to them:

“And you, too! I’m serious — I want that kitchen cleaned. No arguments and no excuses! Do you understand me?”

“Yes, sir,” they answered, nodding.

“All right, hop to it!” I said and, on my way to the stairs to return to the basement office, added: “Don’t make me have to come back up here. Get to work!”

About 15 minutes later my wife came home and, finding the kids hard at work, said to me, “Somebody wants to get lucky tonight.”

OK, I’m entirely predictable to my wife, but what do you expect after 21 years of marriage? But we have to keep the kids guessing, you see.

Sometimes, if a kid is bad enough, Mom the Good Cop will ask me to give a special performance as the ultimate Bad Cop. Imagine the child’s reaction when, without warning, the cop who walks into the interrogation room is Andy Sipowicz:

Sweet old ladies will often tell my wife, “Oh, your children are such little angels!”

My wife will accept the compliment with a thank-you and a gracious smile. Little do they know how often my wife plays the Bad Cop — and she’s twice as scary as Andy Sipowicz.

Category: Family

Comments

18 Responses to “Good Dad, Bad Dad”

  1. Cindy
    July 19th, 2010 @ 9:19 pm

    Haha! I get comments on how well my kids behave. I’m always astounded, because they just act the way I think kids *should* act. Seems to be an anomaly these days, huh?

  2. Cindy
    July 19th, 2010 @ 5:19 pm

    Haha! I get comments on how well my kids behave. I’m always astounded, because they just act the way I think kids *should* act. Seems to be an anomaly these days, huh?

  3. Miss Sharon
    July 19th, 2010 @ 10:06 pm

    Heh. I was the good cop and the bad cop:) my erratic behavior kept them guessing! Bhahaha! They never fought as children and people were amazed, now I’d love to be a fly on their shared apt wall 3 time zones away for they are a modern Oscar & Felix.

  4. Miss Sharon
    July 19th, 2010 @ 6:06 pm

    Heh. I was the good cop and the bad cop:) my erratic behavior kept them guessing! Bhahaha! They never fought as children and people were amazed, now I’d love to be a fly on their shared apt wall 3 time zones away for they are a modern Oscar & Felix.

  5. T.L. Davis
    July 19th, 2010 @ 10:07 pm

    The trouble is, all of us parents of very well behaved young men and women are commonly and roundly criticized as being “too hard” on the kids.
    Get this: “You’re kids are so well-behaved, you shouldn’t be so hard on them.”
    WHAT? They never see the link. What they call being “too hard” on them usually consists of expecting proper behavior and not letting the subject drop until it is achieved.
    Stacy, maybe you should write a book!

  6. T.L. Davis
    July 19th, 2010 @ 6:07 pm

    The trouble is, all of us parents of very well behaved young men and women are commonly and roundly criticized as being “too hard” on the kids.
    Get this: “You’re kids are so well-behaved, you shouldn’t be so hard on them.”
    WHAT? They never see the link. What they call being “too hard” on them usually consists of expecting proper behavior and not letting the subject drop until it is achieved.
    Stacy, maybe you should write a book!

  7. Blake
    July 19th, 2010 @ 11:38 pm

    My parents used to mention they thought I was too hard on my children. And in the same breath would tell me how well behaved they were.

    One thing I used to tell my teenagers is that: “It’s not that I don’t know what you’re up to, it’s whether or not I’ll say anything.”

    More than a few times my kids were dismayed when I said something.

  8. Blake
    July 19th, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

    My parents used to mention they thought I was too hard on my children. And in the same breath would tell me how well behaved they were.

    One thing I used to tell my teenagers is that: “It’s not that I don’t know what you’re up to, it’s whether or not I’ll say anything.”

    More than a few times my kids were dismayed when I said something.

  9. just a conservative girl
    July 19th, 2010 @ 11:44 pm

    I am the bad cop as hubby travels a great deal. I have told him over and over if I can’t control him when he is five what shot have we got when he is 15?

    I am told often that I am a “mean mommy”, but as you said, he is well behaved most of the time. I will only put up with so much before the time comes that his bedroom is where he ends up. The only things in his bedroom is furniture, clothing and books. It gets the point across, for now anyway.

  10. just a conservative girl
    July 19th, 2010 @ 7:44 pm

    I am the bad cop as hubby travels a great deal. I have told him over and over if I can’t control him when he is five what shot have we got when he is 15?

    I am told often that I am a “mean mommy”, but as you said, he is well behaved most of the time. I will only put up with so much before the time comes that his bedroom is where he ends up. The only things in his bedroom is furniture, clothing and books. It gets the point across, for now anyway.

  11. Caroline
    July 20th, 2010 @ 7:54 am

    Mother and child in the home is good, some children afraid father.. But actually parents are the same, and are concerned with their children. The essay

  12. Caroline
    July 20th, 2010 @ 3:54 am

    Mother and child in the home is good, some children afraid father.. But actually parents are the same, and are concerned with their children. The essay

  13. Mark A
    July 20th, 2010 @ 4:12 pm

    I suspect the now well chronicled ‘feminization’ of men is why they too often shirk their Bad Cop duty. If you have children, they are your primary responsibility in life while they’re young. If you screw that up, does anything else you accomplish even matter??

  14. Mark A
    July 20th, 2010 @ 12:12 pm

    I suspect the now well chronicled ‘feminization’ of men is why they too often shirk their Bad Cop duty. If you have children, they are your primary responsibility in life while they’re young. If you screw that up, does anything else you accomplish even matter??

  15. Roxeanne de Luca
    July 20th, 2010 @ 6:01 pm

    When my dad and stepmom were dating, she was surprised at how hard he was on us. His response was, “Wait until you have kids.” Now, he’s the nice one and she’s the one that scares the daylights out of my little siblings.

    Listening to non-parents, or bad parents, on how to be a parent is like asking a Democrat how to run a country.

  16. Roxeanne de Luca
    July 20th, 2010 @ 2:01 pm

    When my dad and stepmom were dating, she was surprised at how hard he was on us. His response was, “Wait until you have kids.” Now, he’s the nice one and she’s the one that scares the daylights out of my little siblings.

    Listening to non-parents, or bad parents, on how to be a parent is like asking a Democrat how to run a country.

  17. Anne Galivan
    July 21st, 2010 @ 9:33 pm

    A couple of things:

    1) I totally agree with the “authority” concept. I have amazing, incredible children that people love being around because they are polite, charming, caring, etc. Even MY KIDS “get it” about the authority issue. For instance, the other night my 16-year old and I were watching some late-night TV and there was an episode of “Frasier” where basically his son – who by the way is the most important thing in his life in spite of the fact that he moved 2000 miles away from him and rarely sees him! – is completely running things on a family trip. Anyway, I just casually remarked how annoying it is when these shows have the kids running things instead of (and here my son finished my sentence) “the parents acting like parents!” My son was as disgusted as I was. He’s 16. Hurrah!

    2) I am the mom. And, for the record, in our house, I am (95% of the time) the “bad cop.” That’s okay because I am a full-time home-schooling mom who spends virtually 24/7 with my kids and I am not in favor of the “wait ’til your father gets home” philosophy cuz frankly, it ruins the day for everyone. I have no problem dealing with issues head-on: correcting, disciplining, whatever. Anyway, I would like to share a funny story about my children’s impression of me as the bad cop: A couple of months ago I was watching late-night sitcoms with my two older children, ages 26 and 22. (I should say here that we really DON’T watch as much TV as it sounds, but we do watch late-night television because it’s my time to wind down.) Anyway, it was during Jerry Seinfeld’s monologue and he was talking about how, when you become an adult, you suddenly can’t understand why you were so afraid of your parents growing up – and both my kids started laughing! I asked them why and they said, “Because we know why we were afraid of you!” Mission accomplished! 😉

    P.S. More husbands could take a cue from you in terms of “getting lucky!”

  18. Anne Galivan
    July 21st, 2010 @ 5:33 pm

    A couple of things:

    1) I totally agree with the “authority” concept. I have amazing, incredible children that people love being around because they are polite, charming, caring, etc. Even MY KIDS “get it” about the authority issue. For instance, the other night my 16-year old and I were watching some late-night TV and there was an episode of “Frasier” where basically his son – who by the way is the most important thing in his life in spite of the fact that he moved 2000 miles away from him and rarely sees him! – is completely running things on a family trip. Anyway, I just casually remarked how annoying it is when these shows have the kids running things instead of (and here my son finished my sentence) “the parents acting like parents!” My son was as disgusted as I was. He’s 16. Hurrah!

    2) I am the mom. And, for the record, in our house, I am (95% of the time) the “bad cop.” That’s okay because I am a full-time home-schooling mom who spends virtually 24/7 with my kids and I am not in favor of the “wait ’til your father gets home” philosophy cuz frankly, it ruins the day for everyone. I have no problem dealing with issues head-on: correcting, disciplining, whatever. Anyway, I would like to share a funny story about my children’s impression of me as the bad cop: A couple of months ago I was watching late-night sitcoms with my two older children, ages 26 and 22. (I should say here that we really DON’T watch as much TV as it sounds, but we do watch late-night television because it’s my time to wind down.) Anyway, it was during Jerry Seinfeld’s monologue and he was talking about how, when you become an adult, you suddenly can’t understand why you were so afraid of your parents growing up – and both my kids started laughing! I asked them why and they said, “Because we know why we were afraid of you!” Mission accomplished! 😉

    P.S. More husbands could take a cue from you in terms of “getting lucky!”