The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Lesbian Supermodel?

Posted on | October 14, 2014 | 68 Comments

Cara Delevingne (@Caradelevingne) is a lesbian. Allegedly, I hasten to add, but this has been the press reaction after the 22-year-old supermodel celebrated “National Coming Out Day”:

She has never commented on her sexuality despite being linked to stars of both sexes — but it appears as if Cara Delevingne is finally ready to open up.
The 22-year-old supermodel — whose last serious relationship was with bisexual actress Michelle Rodriguez — shared a picture of herself wearing a ‘We Are You’ T-shirt in honour of National Coming Out Day and added an enigmatic message.
She wrote: ‘Doesn’t matter who you are or what you believe it, we are one! Go get yourself one of these shirts right now!’
‘I’m late for National Coming Out Day but better late then never. Don’t be scared to be who you are. Please follow @iolovesyou and @selfevidentproject because #WEAREYOU.’
Cara’s message was posted on Monday, two days after National Coming Out Day but her ‘better late than never’ message has been interpreted by some fans to mean she was actually coming out.

Whoa! What the hell is happening here? You’re telling me that with 3.5 billion men on this planet, there’s not one of them interested in dating Cara Delevingne? Or are you telling me that, of these 3.5 billion men, not one of them is good enough for Cara Delevingne? Or are you telling me that Cara Delevingne is hopelessly dysfunctional?

Some background on Cara’s ex-lover, 36-year-old Michelle Rodriguez:

In July 2006, Rodriguez told Cosmopolitan magazine that she is not a lesbian, but had “experimented with both sexes.” In November 2006, her openly bisexual Bloodrayne co-star Kristanna Loken made comments to The Advocate that were widely interpreted by the media as an admission that the two were in a relationship. . . . In June 2007, the lesbian magazine Curve ran a cover story that claimed Rodriguez to be bisexual. . . .
In October 2013, Entertainment Weekly quoted her saying: “I’ve gone both ways. I do as I please. I am too curious to sit here and not try when I can. Men are intriguing. So are chicks.”

Anyway, after hooking up with the young supermodel, the bisexual Rodriguez then decided Zac Efron was more “intriguing,” but you know what they say: Once you go Rodriguez, you never go back.

So it appears that Cara is now “playing for the other team.”

Gentlemen, this is a crisis for the heteronormative patriarchy.

We could afford to shrug off a few lesbian celebrities — Melissa Etheridge, Jodie Foster, Ellen DeGeneres, etc. — and say, “Who cares?” But when Victoria’s Secret supermodels start deciding they’d rather be having dinner at the All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Buffet? This indicates an existential menace to our male-supremacist franchise.

Obviously, one of you guys is going to have to take one for the team here. Sure, I know, these supermodel types are “difficult,” high-maintenance, prone to dramatic outbursts and emotional instability. But unless and until Cara Delevingne is properly oppressed, she’s going to be causing trouble for Team Hetero. Ask Justin Bieber: Selena Gomez allegedly hooked up with Cara in St. Tropez. And Cara may be making moves on Suki Waterhouse. An international supermodel turned predatory lesbian? Something must be done, and you know what it is.

Patriarchy requires sacrifices, and a conversion/rehab job like this won’t be easy. Cara Delevingne is damaged goods. Heck, she probably doesn’t even know how to make a sandwich. But 5,000 years of worldwide male domination is at stake, and one of you guys has got to do this job. Good luck. Everyone here at Team Hetero headquarters is counting on you.

 

Category: Celebrities, Gays, Sex

Comments

68 Responses to “Lesbian Supermodel?”

  1. K-Bob
    October 15th, 2014 @ 12:13 am

    It suddenly got a lot quieter.

  2. Zohydro
    October 15th, 2014 @ 5:48 am

    Isn’t that your job, Wombat Dude, sir?

  3. Quartermaster
    October 15th, 2014 @ 6:54 am

    OT, but inquiring minds, and all that: Are you a Purple Penguin?

  4. Quartermaster
    October 15th, 2014 @ 6:55 am

    She’s pretty. But, she ain’t beautiful. Beautiful takes in far more than just her looks.

  5. Phil_McG
    October 15th, 2014 @ 7:11 am

    Everything is proceeding as kitty has foreseen.

  6. Rob Crawford
    October 15th, 2014 @ 7:35 am

    Meh. It’s a career move, like with what’s-her-name from Juno. How better to signal “I’m a serious person” to the progs than to declare you’re gay when your career is based entirely on your looks?

    Plus, it likely discourages a few males from pursuing them.

  7. TC_LeatherPenguin
    October 15th, 2014 @ 8:41 am

    Only when the light hits my motorcycle jacket just right.

  8. Bob Belvedere
    October 15th, 2014 @ 9:11 am

    That is a statement that will go down [like many a model do] in History as one of the greatest ever uttered by a member [pun intended] of Team Hetero.

  9. K-Bob
    October 15th, 2014 @ 10:25 am

    I mean, when so many guys (and more than a few chicks) all stop fappin’ at the same time…

  10. jdp
    October 15th, 2014 @ 1:07 pm

    Have she and Zac Efron ever been seen in the same room. I’m thinking a Mrs. Doubtfire scenario here.

  11. Nan
    October 15th, 2014 @ 2:40 pm

    Status.

  12. Ebola Infected Nurse Flew Frontier | Regular Right Guy
    October 15th, 2014 @ 4:28 pm

    […] Lesbian Supermodel? […]

  13. Angry Harry
    October 15th, 2014 @ 6:33 pm

    LOL!

    Very funny piece.

    Enjoyed it greatly.

  14. Wombat_socho
    October 15th, 2014 @ 11:57 pm

    Pipe down there, Third Son of Jammed Litterbox Operator!

  15. Wombat_socho
    October 15th, 2014 @ 11:58 pm

    ICE BURN

  16. K-Bob
    October 16th, 2014 @ 1:03 am

    Heh. Well, I always do the laundry here, at the Boogie Southern Compound, so I know about foldin’ them thaings.

  17. David Perry
    October 16th, 2014 @ 7:25 pm

    I don’t know, he looks distinctly unamused.

  18. Hanzo
    October 16th, 2014 @ 8:23 pm

    “…. dinner at the All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Buffet?”
    Oh no you din’t!! I’m stealing that one. 😉