The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Romney Campaign Infiltrated By DHS-Certified Right Winger In Black Ford Mustang Thinking Santorum Thoughts

Posted on | December 27, 2011 | 19 Comments

by Smitty

Stacy called to gloat about arriving at the car rental and getting a souped-up Ford Mustang for the price of a mid-sized rental. Spys reporting to Sissypuss the Blog Kitty reported that this was really a Romney campaign stunt, intending to rely on Stacy’s big foot on the gas to get him thrown in jail, and thus be unable to report on the details of whatever Iowa fix is in.

Bolstering the theory was a Speed Raaaaacist screed by Dan Collins, some deep fried Southern reminisce full of code words, dog whistles, and semaphores. Have a go. It’s got everything but a banjo, as far as I can tell. Little did Dan know that Stacy, while not competent yet on TweetDeck, or bluetooth headsets–though his teeth were better unmentioned–has in fact mastered the fine art of cruise control.

It seems that Stacy hasn’t been behind the wheel of a black vehicle with anything resembling an engine since his stunt driver days on the set of Smokey and the Bandit, and the thought of being crushed in Iowa for speeding like he was crushed at the roulette table in Vegas is really too much of a bother for Stacy in his dotage.

Thus, Stacy’s arrival at the Romney event in a Black Chariot of Justice may thus catch Romney’s campaign off guard. A nearly Gingrich-ian surprise, IYKWIMAITYD. At that point, the challenge becomes keeping the Rule 5 political cling-ons from piling up too thickly on the hood. Oh, who am I kidding? Stacy will end up giving Dave Weigel a lift. But that’s how it goes.

Just remember, Stacy: if you meet a young co-ed named Mary Jo, that car is not a submarine. Okay?

And yes, the Romney campaign has the vehicle bugged. When you give the gnarly old guy in the bib overalls a lift, and

he says “Knock, knock.”,

and you reply, “Who’s there?”,

and he says, “It’s the plumber. I’ve come to fix the sink,”

that is your cue that the Semi-Conscious Liberation Army, in conjunction with the Ron Paul campaign, is preparing to pull off an operation previously only seen in the pages of the Illuminatus Trilogy, but which they think they can operationalize. Remember: if the operation fails, the statute of limitations on you for that job in Peru is expired, and Jorge really could use a favor. Whether it succeeds or fails, it will help the Santorum campaign. That’s all you need to know.

Godspeed.

Update: linked at Reluctant-Rebel

Category: Conservatory, Farce, Fear and Loathing in Iowa, Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul

Comments

19 Responses to “Romney Campaign Infiltrated By DHS-Certified Right Winger In Black Ford Mustang Thinking Santorum Thoughts”

  1. Dan Collins
    December 27th, 2011 @ 9:04 pm

    Great song.

  2. EBL
    December 27th, 2011 @ 10:02 pm

    Wow.  That was refreshing!  

  3. richard mcenroe
    December 27th, 2011 @ 10:40 pm

    Found some footage of Stacy and Weigel on the road.  It’s unknown where the black mustang acquired its Pontiac camouflage, or why Stacy is letting Weigel drive, but it’s still awesome…
    http://youtu.be/q0Y3A-zib-Q

  4. Adjoran
    December 27th, 2011 @ 11:20 pm

    Um, Smitty – I don’t think you’re supposed to eat those mushrooms unless you’re headed into a Grateful Dead concert.

  5. Around the Web | Reluctant-Rebel
    December 27th, 2011 @ 11:30 pm

    […] at The Other McCain reports on Stacy’s first day in Iowa. Plus why Romney’s campaign is getting a bit […]

  6. Finrod Felagund
    December 28th, 2011 @ 12:26 am

    Don’t forget the Orbital Mind Control Lasers that are focused on Iowa currently.

  7. richard mcenroe
    December 28th, 2011 @ 12:41 am

    Break out the vinegar!

  8. EBL
    December 28th, 2011 @ 12:50 am

    OMG.  Newt Gingrich’s New Hamsphire campaign staff go completely insane and decide to support Mitt Romney.  

  9. EBL
    December 28th, 2011 @ 12:52 am

    The only other explanation is Dan Collins infiltrated from Vermont and slipped magic mushrooms into the Gingrich campaign office water cooler.  

  10. Anonymous
    December 28th, 2011 @ 2:27 am

    Forget the cars, did you see the price of gas??? 57 cents??? The good ol days……..

  11. Anonymous
    December 28th, 2011 @ 4:20 am

    What happened was this: I showed up at the agency where they had reserved me a Toyota Corolla. But evidently the Rick Perry campaign staff had come through and rented all the Toyotas, so the only car they had left on the lot was this sweet black Mustang with leather bucket seats which, under the terms of the contact, they were compelled to rent me at the Toyota rate.

    It’s an omen, I tell you.

  12. Zilla of the Resistance
    December 28th, 2011 @ 6:46 am

    Smitty! You’re now the first person I’ve ever met who has read the Iluminatus! Trilogy besides myself! I read it years ago and it made me a little crazy I think. What an epic adventure that book is, although I remember wishing I was smarter when I read it. 

  13. Zilla of the Resistance
    December 28th, 2011 @ 6:47 am

    You’re gonna need something built for speed because the Rick Santorum campaign is gonna take off like a rocket! 

  14. smitty
    December 28th, 2011 @ 8:12 am

    .semit fo elpuoc a ti daer ev’I

  15. Adjoran
    December 28th, 2011 @ 8:13 am

    Our thoughts and prayers go out for all the gentle, innocent wildlife who may be in danger for the next week in Iowa.

  16. ThePaganTemple
    December 28th, 2011 @ 8:30 am

    Uhhhm, being familiar with omens and divination and such, it seems to me like that particular omen might be telling you something about Perry more than Santorum.

  17. Greetings From the Quad City : The Other McCain
    December 28th, 2011 @ 2:03 pm

    […] Rapids at 6:30 p.m.. A calculation — based on the fact that I’m now driving a sweet black Ford Mustang — says I don’t have to leave here until about 1 p.m. So I’m typing this while the […]

  18. richard mcenroe
    December 28th, 2011 @ 3:33 pm

    read it repeatedly.  Watch out for dwarves.

  19. Bob Belvedere
    December 29th, 2011 @ 10:31 pm

    You read it, Zilla, but can you see the fnords?

    PS: No Smoking. No Spitting. –the MGT.