The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Memo From the National Affairs Desk to the Herman Cain Presidential Campaign

Posted on | October 8, 2011 | 23 Comments

To: Mark J. Block, J.D. Gordon
Re: U.S. Policy, South Pacific Region

The island republic of Vanuatu will, I think, play a key role in the Cain administration’s foreign policy vis-a-vis the South Pacific.

While the Republican Party Establishment has long ignored Vanuatu, my years of study of their culture, history, geography and economy have convinced me that this archipelago should be a vital linchpin of U.S. relations in the entire Hebrides/Solomon Islands region. A history of GOP indifference to Vanuatu has, however, enabled Democrats to portray Republicans as anti-Vanuatu, even though the policies of the Obama administration have had a devastating impact on the Vanuatuan economy. The natives have historically been pro-American in their sympathies, but the recent downturn of the island’s tourism industry — a direct consequence of policies enacted under Ben Bernanke and Timothy Geithner — have damaged U.S.-Vanuatu relations. An important diplomatic thrust of the Cain administration’s policy must therefore be to repair our standing with this traditional ally.

Of course, as you know, I am strictly a neutral objective journalist, and my assignment to cover the 2012 campaign would prevent me serving in any sort of official advisory capacity for Mr. Cain. However, if the topic should come up in a debate (and my sources say Romney’s oppo-research team may be preparing to hit Mr. Cain as “soft on the Vanuatu issue”), don’t hesitate to ask me to send you my extensive collection of materials compiled during my decades-long research into this topic, vital to U.S. national security interests. In fact, I think if you will ask around among well-informed conservatives, they will agree that no one excels my expertise on this subject.

Given the many crises that currently affect the United States, I’m sure that our policy toward Vanuatu may not be a “front burner” issue at this early stage of the campaign. Perhaps when I come out to cover the debate in Las Vegas Oct. 18, we can get together and discuss this in more depth. As I say, journalistic ethics would forbid me providing policy advice to a campaign that I’m covering — if I gave you my complete Vanuatu files, the Bachmann and Santorum campaigns may even accuse me of unfair bias — but after a quarter-century in journalism, I’m ready to explore new career horizons. Diplomacy strikes me as the sort of field where my unique combination of skills and knowledge might be useful, and when this campaign is over, I may be willing to give it a try.

Therefore, if Mr. Cain should require my services as U.S.ambassador to Vanuatu, I wish to inform you in advance that I would be honored to accept such an appointment, and will strive to do all in my power to restore America’s reputation in the archipelago that I call “The Key to the South Pacific.” While it would be quite a sacrifice for my family to re-locate to the embassy in Vanuatu, this is a sacrifice I’m willing to make, considering the crucial nature of the assignment.

Please keep this memo on file, because I know how things can get lost in the shuffle during the post-election “transition” process and wouldn’t want you to forget my offer between now and Jan. 20, 2013. Looking forward to seeing you in Vegas.

Sincerely,
Robert Stacy McCain

P.S.: I hope you don’t mind my publishing this on my blog, in the interests of “transparency,” as they say.

UPDATE: Understanding the seriousness of the issues involved, I shared this message with Bert the Samoan Lawyer, who replied:

Clearly the consulate on Vanuatu will need a Legal Liaison. I am brushing up now on all things consular.
Let’s see: Four gallons of grapefruit juice; four quarts of vodka, a fifth of Blanton’s small-batch bourbon; a fifth of Lagavulin single-malt, Islay whiskey; a basket of limes, twelve tabs of mescaline . . .
How difficult will it be to ship the convertible? Does Vanuatu have roads?
No matter. It will “stimulate” the Vanuatu economy to engage in some infrastructure construction . . .

Indeed, my arrival in Vanuatu in January 2013 — accompanied, of course, by the newly-appointed Legal Liaison — will have an immediate and positive effect on the economy. To begin with, I’ll have to hire some native girls to perform the important work of bringing me mai-tais whilst I conduct important business in my beachside cabana . . .

Category: Election 2012, Fear. Loathing., Herman Cain, Vanuatu

Comments

23 Responses to “Memo From the National Affairs Desk to the Herman Cain Presidential Campaign”

  1. Dan Collins
    October 8th, 2011 @ 7:28 am

    I cannot think of a single person who would better represent American interests and American ideals vis-a-vis the tiny but critically important island nation of Vanuatu.  For too long we have disrespected the Vanuatese by sending as ambassadors various third-rate colorless flunky blobs whose principal value has already been exhausted in campaign bundling by the time they’re dispatched from under foot in annoyance to achieve perfect tans for several years.  Sir, we can do better.

    Respectfully &ct.

  2. ThePaganTemple
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:09 am

    I’d like to be a roving ambassador myself. I envision myself as traveling to and from various islands nations and regions in the Caribbean to disprove the theory of Global Climate Change by taking note of environmental factors, such as the tides on the beaches, and how many beautiful women stay out in the hot, sweltering sun, and for how long. I could also research how many tropical drinks one could imbibe under current weather conditions without ill effect.

    I could spend some time in Cancun, from there go on to Nassau, the Grand Caymans, and the Virgin Islands. Of course I would need to continue my research in other regions, including the South Pacific, and so I would be required to spend some time in places like Tahiti, and Martinique. And of course I would have to devote quite a bit of research to the Mediterranean, including the Greek Islands. I guess I would need to spend some time in Stockholm as well, during the height of the tourist season. 

  3. jwallin
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:17 am

    I want to be Ambassador for the Moon.

    First you have to allocate the funds for me to get there.
    Then set up a moon base.

    Then call when the launch for my ambassadorial shuttle will be.

    Hoping to hear from you soon.

    (that’s got about as much chance as yours does Stacy.)

  4. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 8:45 am

    LOL…I like  the entry….everything can’t always be serious (oh…you were being serious? 🙂

  5. Anonymous
    October 8th, 2011 @ 9:36 am

    I’m sure there is important work to be done for our national security in the U.S. Virgin Islands. After all, what would Al-Qaeda like better than to launch a terrorist attack against America’s outpost in the Caribbean? So we could get you appointed to head the Department of Homeland Security’s Virgin Islands bureau, and I’m sure you would keep the islanders safe from jihad.

  6. McGehee
    October 8th, 2011 @ 10:06 am

    If you’re going to Vanuatu, I’ve been told you’ll need a staff vulcanologist. I don’t know much about Vulcans but what I’ve seen on TV and I’ve yet to find an online resource on the language — but I can do the salute.

  7. ThePaganTemple
    October 8th, 2011 @ 10:12 am

    It would be a hard task, but I’m sure I would be up for it.

  8. John LaRosa
    October 8th, 2011 @ 11:42 am

    LOL, Stacy…”you so craaaazy!”

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  10. steve benton
    October 8th, 2011 @ 1:32 pm

    It make take Herman his 4 year term to find Vanuatu, so i wouldn’t start packing quite yet. Love the idea, though.

  11. Thomas Knapp
    October 8th, 2011 @ 1:43 pm

    I’m ahead of y’all. I’ve already got the linen suit.

  12. Quartermaster
    October 8th, 2011 @ 5:35 pm

    Right after lashing out mindlessly at the Paulbots.

  13. Quartermaster
    October 8th, 2011 @ 5:36 pm

    Linen? Seersucker my man, Seersucker is the way to go.

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  15. Thomas Knapp
    October 8th, 2011 @ 6:22 pm

    Seersucker? Yes, of course, for holidays back stateside in the Hamptons or whatever.

    But for effectual statesmanship in a tropical milieu, it must be linen. Seersucker just screams “disappear me and send my severed head back with an oblong piece of bone distorting its lower lip, so that they know to send someone serious next time.”

  16. ThePaganTemple
    October 9th, 2011 @ 8:56 am

    Now now Quartermaster, let’s be reasonable. I don’t think Islamic radicals would have much need for human body shields in the Virgin Islands.

  17. Quartermaster
    October 9th, 2011 @ 8:44 pm

    I’m quite reasonable, alas. I just tire of the endless smears. I’m not a fan of Paul, but hate seeing people claiming to be conservatives acting the same way the moonbats act against their bete noir. Frankly, the anti-Paulbot obsessives are disgusting.

  18. Quartermaster
    October 9th, 2011 @ 8:46 pm

    I guess that would work for a Yankee. For us unreconstructed Southrons, it’s Seersucker.

  19. Quartermaster
    October 9th, 2011 @ 8:49 pm

    If y’all vote for me as Maximum ruler of the world, I’ll make Stacy my permanent Legate to Vanuatu. He’ll have plenty of time to blog, and no need for shoe leather. Just flip flops and he can get his babe back into a bikini. But, if he even thinks of the Speedo, we might have to do an experiment involving a Komodo Dragon.

  20. Bob Belvedere
    October 9th, 2011 @ 10:58 pm

    Think you can put in a good word for me with the Cain folks, Stacy, er, Ambassador, to be head of the ATF?  I promise to see that the supply of all three is properly maintained at the highest levels possible, at the lowest costs possible.

    BTW: I am currently an Ambassador for Maker’s Mark, if that helps make my case [pun intended].

  21. From the Future Ambassador to Vanuatu : The Other McCain
    October 14th, 2011 @ 9:14 pm

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