The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Like Islanders Mystified by Lack of Cargo, Blogger Weeps at Altar of the ‘Lanche God

Posted on | October 2, 2011 | 63 Comments

Ceremonial cross of John Frum cargo cult on the island of Vanuatu

Something has gone drastically wrong, and I can’t figure out what it is. About a month ago, as Wombat noted in his Aug. 28 FMJRA round-up, we got no fewer than six Instalanches in the span of a single week. There are bloggers who’ve worked for years without getting a ‘Lanche, and so we may have exhausted our karmic quota of linky-love that week, which would explain the 17% decline of traffic from August to September.

An extrapolation of that trend would mean that unless this problem can be reverse-engineered and corrected — unless we can get the blog back into the “sweet zone” — our traffic will decline to near-zero by this time next year. At least, that’s what my calculations show, but I was never much for advanced math.

Despite my wife’s pleadings (“Stacy, get off the computer before you go crazy. No, wait. Let me re-phrase that . . .” ) I’ve devoted many hours to examining causes of my increasing ‘Lanchelessness, pondering the snowball of anti-momentum that threatens to destroy everything we’ve worked so hard to build. And what brought this to the crisis point today was the professor’s post at 2:21 p.m.:

MICHAEL BARONE: Time To Raise Cain To Contender Status.
More on Cain from Jennifer Rubin.

What was the point of devoting ten long months to covering the Herman Cain campaign — going back to the days of “Herman Who?” — if nothing I’ve written about Cain since his Florida Straw Poll victory is ‘Lanche-worthy? The message seems to be that I have nothing meaningful to say on the subject, now that fully-employed professional Washington political experts have taken notice of the guy.

Because I don’t know nothing about no Herman Cain.

Perhaps other bloggers can join me in the Kübler-Ross grieving process here. There must be a support group somewhere for washed-up bloggers who know in their hearts they will never have that Susannah Breslin mojo. (Super-human willpower was required to resist the temptation to answer “Why No One Reads Your Blog.”)

Whenever I do a post like this, of course, I get comments from bloggers who tell me how much worse their own plight is: Their best day’s traffic was measured in the dozens, they’ve never had so much as a Surber-lanche, their cat is dying from a rare form of cancer, et cetera.

But enough about Dan Collins. Let’s talk about me.

The worst part about confessing to Fear of a ‘Lancheless Planet is the likelihood that it will inspire mockery by James Wolcott, who manages to maintain full-time employment as a Vanity Fair contributing editor despite the fact that (a) he never does any reporting, (b) his “blog” is generally a collection of reflexive liberal prejudices expressed in sneering condescension, and (c) nobody ever reads his blog unless conservatives link it as a joke. So you know I’m really down in the dumps when I risk giving Wolcott an opportunity to gloat.

Nevertheless, like the residents of Vanuatu engaging in rituals to bring the return of John Frum, the mysterious decline of linky-love seems to require cultic ceremonial gestures or some other expression of superstitious belief. Your suggestions are requested. Perhaps we’ll change our blog name to “The Other Susannah Breslin.”

The blog gods are angry and must be appeased.

UPDATE (Oct. 6): John Frum returns with cargo! As cultic priest, my mojo has been validated! Let us give thanks!

Category: Cargo Cult of the Blog Gods, How to Get a Million Hits on Your Blog, Instapundit

Comments

63 Responses to “Like Islanders Mystified by Lack of Cargo, Blogger Weeps at Altar of the ‘Lanche God”

  1. Nolamensch
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 1:50 pm

    I have erected a billowy Speedo-shaped flag on a pole in my backyard.  The plaque below reads:

    Stay.  See.

  2. Anonymous
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 3:06 pm

    And how is the weather in Vanuatu today?

  3. Nolamensch
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 3:14 pm

    The weather, it is sad.

    Stay.  See.

  4. Richard Mcenroe
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 4:04 pm

    Old M*A*S*H joke…

  5. No Joy (McCann) in Mudville : The Other McCain
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 12:50 pm

    […] Rubin.I’m not Byron York or John Podhoretz or Ann Althouse or Ed Morrissey.Having somehow offended the god of the cargo cult, I’ve abandoned false hope and surrendered to reality: Nothing I write about politics matters […]

  6. Thomas Knapp
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 5:43 pm

    A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I belonged to a large blog alliance dedicated solely to the purpose of (or at least requiring as a condition of membership) the attribution of false quotes to Glenn Reynolds.

    Now that that activity no longer has a club devoted solely to it, maybe it trigger a ‘lanche for you.

  7. Blogger Buried Alive
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 2:46 pm

    […] Stacy generously linked up my bleg from last week (and hit the tip jar) while bemoaning the lack of linkage from on high. Earlier, I’d […]

  8. Blogger’s Blues « That Mr. G Guy's Blog
    October 3rd, 2011 @ 6:59 pm

    […] last week, then bemoans the lack of linky love coming their way over at the Commune; Yesterday, Stacy generously linked up my bleg from last week (and hit the tip jar) while bemoaning the lack of linkage from on high. Earlier, I’d mentioned […]

  9. dustbury.com » Reader depletion
    October 4th, 2011 @ 7:50 am

    […] Robert Stacy McCain weeps over his lack of attention from the Instant Man: Something has gone drastically wrong, and I can’t figure out what it is. About a month ago, as Wombat noted in his Aug. 28 FMJRA round-up, we got no fewer than six Instalanches in the span of a single week. There are bloggers who’ve worked for years without getting a ‘Lanche, and so we may have exhausted our karmic quota of linky-love that week, which would explain the 17% decline of traffic from August to September. […]

  10. The Herman Cain Story : The Other McCain
    October 6th, 2011 @ 11:03 pm

    […] win?UPDATE: Welcome, Instapundit readers! We will celebrate like the natives of Vanuatu when John Frum finally returns./**/ […]

  11. Anonymous
    October 6th, 2011 @ 11:30 pm

    Puppies. Blenders. Discuss amongst yourselves.

  12. The Herman Cain Story | Herman Cain PAC
    October 6th, 2011 @ 11:36 pm

    […] UPDATE: Welcome, Instapundit readers! We will celebrate like the natives of Vanuatu when John Frum finally returns. […]

  13. 8,000,000: Fear and Loathing on Vegas Debate Media Credential Deadline Day : The Other McCain
    October 11th, 2011 @ 6:14 pm

    […] our best month to date with 339,343 visits in July so — assuming we can keep this up, and the Blog Gods of the Cargo Cult do not become offended again — it’s possible to estimate that we could reach the […]