The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

How to Get Re-Tweeted by Alyssa Milano

Posted on | April 21, 2010 | 21 Comments

No, I still haven’t succeeded in my seven-month-long crusade to get re-Tweeted by Alyssa Milano (she’s got nearly 800,000 followers), but I continue studying her Twitter habits, like a lion watching a gazelle beside a watering hole on the Kalahari plain. And it appears that celebrity sleaze-merchant Perez Hilton has broken the Milano Code. Evidently, one way to get re-Tweeted by Alyssa is to completely screw up the facts:

@PerezHilton your article about the ratings on my show was off by 10 million. We had 11.6 million tune in. Facts: http://is.gd/bAV8z

How unfair is that? I’ve striven to be scrupulously accurate in my Alyssa Milano coverage, and my diligence turns out to have been a waste of time. Instead, she rewards that fact-impaired gossip hound for missing the mark by 10 million.

OK, so I know what you’re thinking: “Why can’t Stacy just start spreading spurious falsehoods about Alyssa until she’s forced to respond with a Twitter rebuttal?” Because, dear readers, that would be unethical, and could damage my credibility as a professional journalist. What I can do, however, is to rebut some of the vicious rumors that Ms. Milano’s enemies have been spreading about her:

  • Contrary to what you may have heard, Alyssa Milano has not started gaining weight in hopes of scoring an A&E reality show like Kirstie Alley.
  • Unlike the character she plays on “Romantically Challenged,” Ms. Milano is not recently divorced and she has never considered having a one-night stand with a guy in a coffee shop. So all you guys hanging around coffee shops in Southern California hoping to get a shot at Alyssa are just wasting your time.
  • No, she’s never been a librarian, either, no matter what Professor Glenn Reynolds tries to tell you.
  • She has eight tattoos, none of which includes the motto “Bob Belvedere Rocks” or “I [Heart] Dan Collins.” (Where do all these crazy rumors start?)
  • There is no truth to claims on certain Internet sites that the collector’s DVD box set of “Who’s the Boss?” contains a “director’s cut” outtake of an Alyssa Milano skinny-dipping scene from the 1991 season.
  • In case you missed it, J.D. Hayworth recently retracted his assertion that Alyssa Milano was born in Indonesia.
  • Yes, Ms. Milano is an L.A. Dodgers fan. No, she’s not dating Matt Kemp. NTTAWWT.
  • Nobody in Colorado has ever tried to steal Alyssa Milano’s iPad, although the confusion is understandable.
  • Alyssa Milano has never even met Solicitor General Elena Kagan, much less been her “protege,” as some irresponsible bloggers have speculated.

I hope that she appreciates my journalistic diligence in debunking all this malicious gossip on the Internet. And while representatives for Ms. Milano could neither confirm nor deny that she is planning to re-Tweet me in the near future, I’m pretty sure she’s too busy with her new TV series to hit the tip jar, so what’s your excuse?

(Hat-tip: Amuk3.)

Category: Celebrities, humor, Rule 5

Comments

21 Responses to “How to Get Re-Tweeted by Alyssa Milano”

  1. Stogie
    April 21st, 2010 @ 7:40 pm

    Wow, NICE TWEETS!

  2. Stogie
    April 21st, 2010 @ 2:40 pm

    Wow, NICE TWEETS!

  3. Dell
    April 21st, 2010 @ 8:08 pm

    I’m wif Stogie…I know I’d make a concerted effort to establish a meaningful, overnight relationship.

  4. Dell
    April 21st, 2010 @ 3:08 pm

    I’m wif Stogie…I know I’d make a concerted effort to establish a meaningful, overnight relationship.

  5. USMC
    April 21st, 2010 @ 8:13 pm

    If you want to be RT by Ms. Milano then you should highlight her support of the troops even though she’s a huge lib which is rare.

    That just might get you a RT.

  6. USMC
    April 21st, 2010 @ 3:13 pm

    If you want to be RT by Ms. Milano then you should highlight her support of the troops even though she’s a huge lib which is rare.

    That just might get you a RT.

  7. Bob Belvedere
    April 21st, 2010 @ 8:31 pm

    She has eight tattoos, none of which includes the motto “Bob Belvedere Rocks” or “I [Heart] Dan Collins.” (Where do all these crazy rumors start?)

    1) Since Lyssa [that’s what we, her friends, all call her] has an appreciation for great guitar playing and she is a paisan, the tattoo actually says Bob Belvedere is God! (in more ways than one IYKWIMAITYD!).

    2) Another one reads: Dan Collins: Just Friends / Enoch Root: Just Right!.

    3) I’m surprised that Lyssa hasn’t re-Tweeted you yet, she’s in constant contact with Smitty and he always mentions…Oops!…forget I even spoke.

  8. Bob Belvedere
    April 21st, 2010 @ 3:31 pm

    She has eight tattoos, none of which includes the motto “Bob Belvedere Rocks” or “I [Heart] Dan Collins.” (Where do all these crazy rumors start?)

    1) Since Lyssa [that’s what we, her friends, all call her] has an appreciation for great guitar playing and she is a paisan, the tattoo actually says Bob Belvedere is God! (in more ways than one IYKWIMAITYD!).

    2) Another one reads: Dan Collins: Just Friends / Enoch Root: Just Right!.

    3) I’m surprised that Lyssa hasn’t re-Tweeted you yet, she’s in constant contact with Smitty and he always mentions…Oops!…forget I even spoke.

  9. McGehee
    April 21st, 2010 @ 9:00 pm

    She does, however, have a tattoo that reads, “I have the hots for a blogger nobody’s heard of despite Glenn Reynolds having blogrolled him in 2002 and never taken the link down since.”

    It can only be read with an electron microscope, unfortunately.

    The tattoo, also.

  10. McGehee
    April 21st, 2010 @ 4:00 pm

    She does, however, have a tattoo that reads, “I have the hots for a blogger nobody’s heard of despite Glenn Reynolds having blogrolled him in 2002 and never taken the link down since.”

    It can only be read with an electron microscope, unfortunately.

    The tattoo, also.

  11. datechguy
    April 21st, 2010 @ 10:36 pm

    Yet still she at this time fails to qualify for the Axis of Fedora.

    Maybe with some effort she will measure up.

  12. datechguy
    April 21st, 2010 @ 5:36 pm

    Yet still she at this time fails to qualify for the Axis of Fedora.

    Maybe with some effort she will measure up.

  13. John Doe
    April 21st, 2010 @ 11:11 pm

    Yer doin it wrong. Make her want you. Ignore her. Let it be known that you are SOOOO over her. [We won’t tell, because we aren’t over her, either.]

    Or just win the lotto.

    Signed,

    Doctor Love

  14. John Doe
    April 21st, 2010 @ 6:11 pm

    Yer doin it wrong. Make her want you. Ignore her. Let it be known that you are SOOOO over her. [We won’t tell, because we aren’t over her, either.]

    Or just win the lotto.

    Signed,

    Doctor Love

  15. Robert Stacy McCain
    April 21st, 2010 @ 11:48 pm

    Maybe with some effort she will measure up.

    Well, she’s no Roxeanne de Luca, IYKWIMAITYD.

  16. Robert Stacy McCain
    April 21st, 2010 @ 6:48 pm

    Maybe with some effort she will measure up.

    Well, she’s no Roxeanne de Luca, IYKWIMAITYD.

  17. Why the Hell is a Gay man so into Sarah Palin’s uterus anyway? « The Daley Gator
    April 21st, 2010 @ 7:55 pm

    […] would also like to clarify that Alyssa Milano’s breasts were not involved, in any way, with the discovery of […]

  18. Red
    April 22nd, 2010 @ 12:58 am

    “She has eight tattoos, none of which includes the motto “Bob Belvedere Rocks” or “I [Heart] Dan Collins.” (Where do all these crazy rumors start?)”
    (Ahem,Yes she does but that’s from ‘back in the day’knowhatI’msayin?)Besides, you know it’s only the second bestest tramp-stamp evah next to one that reads “RSM Fan-4-life”!

  19. Red
    April 21st, 2010 @ 7:58 pm

    “She has eight tattoos, none of which includes the motto “Bob Belvedere Rocks” or “I [Heart] Dan Collins.” (Where do all these crazy rumors start?)”
    (Ahem,Yes she does but that’s from ‘back in the day’knowhatI’msayin?)Besides, you know it’s only the second bestest tramp-stamp evah next to one that reads “RSM Fan-4-life”!

  20. Roxeanne de Luca
    April 23rd, 2010 @ 7:47 pm

    Gentlemen? [Raises eyebrow]

  21. Roxeanne de Luca
    April 23rd, 2010 @ 2:47 pm

    Gentlemen? [Raises eyebrow]