The Other McCain

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European Envoy Seeks Cease-Fire as Peace Talks Fail to End ‘Cleavage Wars’

Posted on | March 1, 2010 | 35 Comments

BRUSSELS — In a desperate bid to end the Cleavage Wars that have devastated the blogging community for the past week, representatives of the European Union dispatched “Matrix Reloaded” star Monica Bellucci as a special peace envoy.

“This senseless waste of cleavage cannot be allowed to continue,” said the 45-year-old Italian actress. “In the name of humanity, I call on the combatants to end their breast belligerence.”

Bellucci’s cease-fire plea followed a failed peace conference at the Hague, in which Bob Belvedere denounced as “propaganda” the claims of other bloggers that this ongoing conflict  began with the aggressive display of flesh at Belvedere’s Camp of the Saints site.

“Lies! All lies!” Belvedere shouted during a speech following the Hague talks. “The record clearly shows that Donald Douglas provoked the current hostilities with his neo-imperialist Gemma Atkinson lingerie attack!”

Belvedere also accused the Classic Liberal of violating Rule 5 with an NSFW Anne Hathaway topless post.

“These war criminals have no right to condemn me,” Belvedere said. “Once the Axis powers deployed Anne Hathway’s nipples, they forfeited any right to complain about my enlisting February 1963 ‘Playmate of the Month’ Toni Ann Thomas in defense of the Allied cause.”

While the Axis powers fought back with state-of-the-art weaponry — including the Cheryl Cole/Salma Hayek strafing from the Daley Gator — none had anticipated that Belvedere would resort to the ferocious firepower of October 1959 Playmate Elaine Reynolds.

“For crying out loud — I was born in October 1959!” said Robert Stacy McCain, who protested that Rule 5 was never intended to apply to such weapons. “A little Bettie Page naughtiness I guess would be OK, but there’s simply no way to justify the use of these vintage Playboy centerfolds. What next? Screen-caps of Raquel Welch in One Million Years B.C.? Where will this madness end?”

While the United Nations Security Council met in closed session, the escalating conflict continued with no end in sight. Some observers feared that the battle might degenerate into guerrilla warfare after Belvedere threatened to “take to the bush,” perhaps signifying a full-frontal celebrity onslaught, which might in turn lead to use of defoliation agents employed in the recent Battle of Kardashian Canyon.

The world’s hopes for a peaceful resolution rested with Belluci, whose nude scene in the 1992 classic Bram Stoker’s Dracula remains a popular result in Google searches.

“As an emissary of the topless celebrity community, I staunchly oppose the use of these cheap tactics to increase traffic to political blogs,” said Belluci, her prodigious cleavage quivering as she choked back tears in an emotional press-conference appearance. “We understand that, as soon as we flash our tatas for the cameras, they’ll instantly appear at TMZ, Perez Hilton and Hollywood Tuna, but . . . Washington Rebel? That’s a disgrace!”

UPDATE: No, please spare us the infamous Phoebe Cates pool scene . . .

Category: Blogging, Celebrities, Rule 5, Uncategorized

Comments

35 Responses to “European Envoy Seeks Cease-Fire as Peace Talks Fail to End ‘Cleavage Wars’”

  1. nicholas
    March 1st, 2010 @ 8:47 pm

    That Belvedere guy is pretty serious, Stace. He’s laying down the law over there.

  2. nicholas
    March 1st, 2010 @ 3:47 pm

    That Belvedere guy is pretty serious, Stace. He’s laying down the law over there.

  3. nicholas
    March 1st, 2010 @ 8:57 pm

    Of course, he has the unfortunate habit of wishing to remind us of the names of the various models. Okay, we get it. Toni Ann Thomas. Toni Ann Thomas!

    And Melba Ogle? Don’t let the name fool you.

    Also that Karla Conway looks like good company.

  4. nicholas
    March 1st, 2010 @ 3:57 pm

    Of course, he has the unfortunate habit of wishing to remind us of the names of the various models. Okay, we get it. Toni Ann Thomas. Toni Ann Thomas!

    And Melba Ogle? Don’t let the name fool you.

    Also that Karla Conway looks like good company.

  5. Bob Belvedere
    March 1st, 2010 @ 9:37 pm

    We’re well beyond Raquel ‘Panzar’ Welch at this point. Typical U.N. Kumbaya types: a day late and a boob short.

    Irish Cicero and I have done our best to prevent the carnage, but no one who has sense will make peace with these Silicone Saracens. I got my US Grant on and I’m jazzed like Stonewall and Sherman. Marcus Irishicus Cicero is spitting panther blood and oozing pure Roman Legion vibes [yea, I really do have to stop reading James Ellroy].

    Tell this peacenik chick Mzzz. Bellucci that she’s welcome to visit our Camp, but I cannot guarantee her safety, or that she won’t be reweaponized.

    Regarding the Elaine Reynolds Bunker Buster, I just want to say: Reynolds… you magnificent bastard, I read your boob!

    Join the Forces of Light and Right! Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you, ‘What did you do in the great War Of The Cleavage,’ you won’t have to say, ‘Well… I inserted breast implants in Louisiana.’

    Viva le sein naturel!

    God, how I hate the twenty-first century.

  6. Bob Belvedere
    March 1st, 2010 @ 4:37 pm

    We’re well beyond Raquel ‘Panzar’ Welch at this point. Typical U.N. Kumbaya types: a day late and a boob short.

    Irish Cicero and I have done our best to prevent the carnage, but no one who has sense will make peace with these Silicone Saracens. I got my US Grant on and I’m jazzed like Stonewall and Sherman. Marcus Irishicus Cicero is spitting panther blood and oozing pure Roman Legion vibes [yea, I really do have to stop reading James Ellroy].

    Tell this peacenik chick Mzzz. Bellucci that she’s welcome to visit our Camp, but I cannot guarantee her safety, or that she won’t be reweaponized.

    Regarding the Elaine Reynolds Bunker Buster, I just want to say: Reynolds… you magnificent bastard, I read your boob!

    Join the Forces of Light and Right! Thirty years from now, when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you, ‘What did you do in the great War Of The Cleavage,’ you won’t have to say, ‘Well… I inserted breast implants in Louisiana.’

    Viva le sein naturel!

    God, how I hate the twenty-first century.

  7. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 9:53 pm

    Nicholas, I have no idea why you brought up the name of Melba Ogle. Obviously, you’re trying to distract me from serious political commentary by compelling me to research the July 1964 Playmate.

    “Compelling” is the key word in that sentence, BTW. The fact that Melba is now eligible for Social Security — or that I had not yet begun kindergarten in July 1964 — does not diminish the fact that she was once quite compelling.

    Also, Nicholas, Carly Simon says you were wrong about David Geffen.

  8. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 4:53 pm

    Nicholas, I have no idea why you brought up the name of Melba Ogle. Obviously, you’re trying to distract me from serious political commentary by compelling me to research the July 1964 Playmate.

    “Compelling” is the key word in that sentence, BTW. The fact that Melba is now eligible for Social Security — or that I had not yet begun kindergarten in July 1964 — does not diminish the fact that she was once quite compelling.

    Also, Nicholas, Carly Simon says you were wrong about David Geffen.

  9. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 9:59 pm

    Further research confirms that Karla Conway was similarly compelling in April 1966 and that Nicholas is an evil, evil person.

  10. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 4:59 pm

    Further research confirms that Karla Conway was similarly compelling in April 1966 and that Nicholas is an evil, evil person.

  11. theCL
    March 1st, 2010 @ 10:06 pm

    Once the Hathaway nukes were dropped, it was over. Any fighting that continued was in vain. We packed our bags and went home. No blog-building, but happy to trade links with all!

  12. theCL
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:06 pm

    Once the Hathaway nukes were dropped, it was over. Any fighting that continued was in vain. We packed our bags and went home. No blog-building, but happy to trade links with all!

  13. Irish Cicero
    March 1st, 2010 @ 10:10 pm

    Next stop:

    Moscow!

  14. Irish Cicero
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:10 pm

    Next stop:

    Moscow!

  15. The only way to end Boob Wars is « The Daley Gator
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:12 pm

    […] it, but, I fear nothing else can stop that madman, Bob Belvedere. Nothing else will succeed, not Stacy McCain’s intervention, or Anne Hathaway’s breasts. Even my Salma, and Shania Bra Busters could not stop it. Even […]

  16. Doug Hagin
    March 1st, 2010 @ 10:18 pm

    I launched this war;’s first strike, now, I unleash the only weapon that can end it.

    Gentlemen, OPeration Phoebe Cates is Out of the Pool has comenced!

  17. Doug Hagin
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:18 pm

    I launched this war;’s first strike, now, I unleash the only weapon that can end it.

    Gentlemen, OPeration Phoebe Cates is Out of the Pool has comenced!

  18. 2012 and Other Distractions : The Other McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:22 pm

    […] and Other DistractionsPosted on | March 1, 2010 | No CommentsIt’s bad enough to have Bob Belvedere and friends distracting me with Old School pinup trivia — I’d never even heard of Melba Ogle before — but […]

  19. Right-Wing Links (March 1, 2010)
    March 1st, 2010 @ 5:58 pm

    […] European Envoy Seeks Cease-Fire as Peace Talks Fail to End ‘Cleavage Wars’ […]

  20. Russ
    March 1st, 2010 @ 11:48 pm

    And once-a-goddamn-gain I get no respect. I’m not saying I won this thing, or even played a significant role, but come on…what the hell is that all about.

    Cherl Cole is the name of my cannon Stacey. First you blow me off in Boston for whiskey shots and now this? What did I do to deserve such mistreatment.

    I’m goin’ drinkin’.

    http://www.thats-right.com/rapid-fire-rightness/2010/2/18/ohso-its-a-boob-war-you-want-huh.html

  21. Russ
    March 1st, 2010 @ 6:48 pm

    And once-a-goddamn-gain I get no respect. I’m not saying I won this thing, or even played a significant role, but come on…what the hell is that all about.

    Cherl Cole is the name of my cannon Stacey. First you blow me off in Boston for whiskey shots and now this? What did I do to deserve such mistreatment.

    I’m goin’ drinkin’.

    http://www.thats-right.com/rapid-fire-rightness/2010/2/18/ohso-its-a-boob-war-you-want-huh.html

  22. Scientific Study Confirms: Instapundit Should Link Here More Often : The Other McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 6:48 pm

    […] make the list. Hat-tip to American Power, who didn’t make the list, either. I’ll ask Monica Bellucci to intervene . . . var addthis_pub='smitty1e';var addthis_language='en';var […]

  23. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 11:55 pm

    Russ, don’t let me interrupt your drinking, but . . . I’m sorry, man. I was distracted by the necessity of Googling “Melba Ogle” and “Karla Conway.”

    Research, you understand.

  24. Robert Stacy McCain
    March 1st, 2010 @ 6:55 pm

    Russ, don’t let me interrupt your drinking, but . . . I’m sorry, man. I was distracted by the necessity of Googling “Melba Ogle” and “Karla Conway.”

    Research, you understand.

  25. Russ
    March 1st, 2010 @ 7:09 pm

    Apology accepted Sir. But you’re still on the hook for a shot of whiskey, on me, at the next grand gathering.

    Rebel Yell, in honor of the Reb.

  26. Russ
    March 2nd, 2010 @ 12:09 am

    Apology accepted Sir. But you’re still on the hook for a shot of whiskey, on me, at the next grand gathering.

    Rebel Yell, in honor of the Reb.

  27. That's Right
    March 1st, 2010 @ 8:46 pm

    There’s a “Do-Whop Shit-Bang” On the Way…

    Which is Reb-speak for “clusterfuck of biblical proportions”. ……

  28. The Cleavage Wars: HIROSHIMA « The Camp Of The Saints [New Main Site]
    March 1st, 2010 @ 8:52 pm

    […] All efforts at negotiating a peace were misguided. […]

  29. Bob Belvedere
    March 2nd, 2010 @ 1:53 am

    I had no choice Stacy: I had to use the Janet Lupo Thermonuclear Device.

  30. Bob Belvedere
    March 1st, 2010 @ 8:53 pm

    I had no choice Stacy: I had to use the Janet Lupo Thermonuclear Device.

  31. datechguy
    March 2nd, 2010 @ 2:22 am

    Let the record show that the non-cleveage enhanced anti-rule 5 post featuring a fully dressed Little Miss Attila post has managed to outdraw my next post popular post by a factor of 3.

    I’ll put it up against any post in the cleavage wars and win!

  32. datechguy
    March 1st, 2010 @ 9:22 pm

    Let the record show that the non-cleveage enhanced anti-rule 5 post featuring a fully dressed Little Miss Attila post has managed to outdraw my next post popular post by a factor of 3.

    I’ll put it up against any post in the cleavage wars and win!

  33. Russ
    March 2nd, 2010 @ 2:38 am

    Who the hell is “Da Tech Guy”?

  34. Russ
    March 1st, 2010 @ 9:38 pm

    Who the hell is “Da Tech Guy”?

  35. The WyBlog
    March 1st, 2010 @ 10:18 pm

    As peace talks commence, the Cleavageonic Wars escalate…

    General Pulaski musters his troops!…